Today is 19 Jan 12.
The 2nd day after our breakup.
没有baby的第二天。
I had a very impt interview in the morning but i juz could not bring myself to prepare 4 it. All i did was juz crying n crying. Why am i such a weakling? The only reason is I just can't move on with my life. It is a fact that we have broken up but I cannot accept it. Baby told me she will meet me for lunch and I was really delighted. However she emphasized that it was juz lunch and she will be off. I had an urge to simply cancel the interview and head 4 baby's place straight away but I could not do it.
After my interview, I was so happy that i could meet baby 4 a meal. Even though it was juz a meal it meant so much 2 me. It was our 1st meal together (just the 2 of us) since the mac we had after being chased out of shin's place on christmas eve. I never ever would have tot our last meal as a couple would be that pathetic meal at Mac. Whenever I think of it, it juz kills me. Why did i lose my temper on christmas eve and new year's eve? I really regretted my actions and I believe I will regret it for the rest of my life. Because of 2 moments of folly and impulse, I lost the love of my life forever. I hate myself. I really hate myself. If not 4 that stupid incident on christmas eve, we would have alrdy celebrated our 5year anniversary. Why do ppl only regret after things had happened? Why? Why did i let my jealousy and anger take over me? I really love you 2 much. I am 2 easily jealous. Whenever u try to spite me by making me jealous, i would fall into yr trap. I am just so possessive.
I am really sorry. I have suffocated you too much. I made you have the feeling that I do not trust you. The fact is I do not trust the other men in this world. Even though shin is my gd fren, i am oso jealous of him whenever u keep msging him and neglected me. There r 2 many examples of bad guys in this world. I am realy afraid baby would be duped into their sweet talk. I believe it is because you r simply stunning. You have the most perfect pair of eyes that I have ever seen. They are so captivating. I would label them as 赵魂眼. My soul have long already been captured by you. You have this charm and aura that makes me fall heads over heels for you. You have casted such a strong spell on me since so many yrs ago. You are the person I 1 2 c the 1st thing i wake up in the morning. I 1 2 listen to your voice b4 i sleep everyday. Do you even remember how long ago we started to talk daily on the fone and we became the best of frens? We were meant to be from the start. Do you remember the day b4 i enlisted on 150104? I still remember baby met me 4 lunch and i sent u to yr dad's stall at sengkang. It was the only time I took the sengkang lrt. I still remember vividly that I was so sad when u left. I was so afraid that i might lose you 4ever. The 1st day i enlisted i kept checking my fone once i had access to it. Once we returned to the bunk I would chiong to my bed and check. I was so happy that u were so concerned about me. Yr messages lit up my day. The only thing i looked forward everyday was in the night after lights out. I called baby and we chatted. I cried on the very 1st day and this is a secret that only u n me knew. I cried profusely coz i was scared i might lose u to another guy even though we were not together. You consoled me and u said u will accompany me to the movie once i booked out!!! I still remember the day when I booked out. I rushed down to meet baby at tanah merah mrt and we took the train 2 bugis to eat fish n co b4 catching "magic wok". Do you remember i was still in my no 4 and carrying the stupid bag?? I felt so touched that baby went to the movies wif me but i made you angry when i fell aslp in the cinema. I was really tired coz i slept almost at 3 or 4am everday and woke up at 530. But everything was worth it. It really cultivated our relationship and we became the best of frens.
This afternoon when we were at tangs, i kept secretly looking at you. You r really so beautiful. I nearly could not resist myself and hug you tightly. Do you ever know the feeling of standing beside yr love but all you could do was juz admire her in secret? The feeling was super bad. Our past memories just keep appearing in my head. I remember our countless times to the shopping malls and baby would try out and strut in front of me to seek my opinion. How i miss shopping wif baby? I love the feeling completely. Seeing the smile on yr face when u try sth pretty never fails to make my day. I love seeing baby happy. I love seeing you smile. When you were at bangkok with your family or mum, you even sent me yr fotos in the fitting rm over watsapp! That is why i love you so much. Even when u r overseas, you still remember me and will still show me yr face over watsapp. I really miss you baby. I really do.
Our meal at paragon was really torturous 4 me. We used to feed each other at every single meal and this was the 1st time in 5 yrs that we ate like strangers. I hated the feeling. I hated it. I love to 你一口，我一 口！！ I have completely lost my appetite and slp. I have lost so much weight these few mths and the past 27 days have made me so weak. I am now 75kg which is actually a gd thing la. When baby said to me that my mouth stinks, i was so sad. I was really embarrassed that i made you uncomfortable. I have not had a gd sleep since many many days and it has certainly taken its toll on me. I have bad breath now. I am depressed and i can't slp everyday. I really dunnoe when i can last till. I am in living hell every single day. It just gets worse everyday.
After the meal, baby went to get toothbrush and toothpaste at the supermarket. The supermarket brings back so much memories. We had been to various supermarkets so many times in our 5 yrs. We loved the 24hrs cold storage at holland v the best! We loved midnite supermarketing!! We love going to supermarkets. Baby used to say she loves going to the supermarket wif me and she hoped we would go to the market to get daily essentials when we get married in a few yrs time. Now everything have changed and i would never get a chance to do it with baby ever again. I am really sad. Tears just keep rolling down as i type this entry.
I guess i will never be happy again in this lifetime. My world has collapsed totally and i have no more baby. Baby baby... I miss you. I really wish i can hold you in my arms again and i will never let go till my last breath.
Baby warned me not to follow her and she rushed into the station and did not even look back. That was when I felt we have really ended. Baby used to turn back not once but 3 or 4 times b4 she walked down the escalator at tanah merah. She would also sms me immediately that she was missing me alrdy. Her messages never fail to warm my heart. Whenever she sends such sweet messages to me i would feel that i am the luckiest guy in the world. When would i ever find such a sweet baby again? Why didn't i cherish her when she was by my side? Why did i shout at her? Why did i scare her so badly? Why why why???
After baby went off, i was in a state of shock. I totally had no idea where i shld head to. I went 4 horse road to pray. On my way dere, i was so sad. Tears just flowed out of my eyes as i was walking. People dere must have tot i am a crazy man. I could not control myself. I really could not. My heart is in so much pain. I am getting my retribution now. I made baby cry 4 me countless times over 5yrs and now it's my turn. I am sorry that i neglected your feelings. I am sorry that i was not dere 4 u when u needed me most. I totally understand you.
However, the more i tink of it, i still have this strong feeling that what u said to me on tues night was not true. You were just making me jealous and want me to give up all hope on you. I strongly believe that you said you will be getting back wif Ken 2 spite me. I know you baby. I know your feelings to me. You will never do this behind my back. You r a person with emotions. You are kind hearted. You definitely will not treat me in such a cruel way. You were just 2 angry that i appeared at rachel's place. I could sense your sadness when u called me on mon. You were crying 4 me not him. Tell me i am rite baby. Pls tell me.
I love you with all my heart and soul. Without baby, i am just a walking zombie. Can we have coffee club breakfast just like we always did in the past? Please give me a call if you read my post. I am waiting 4 yr call. I will wait 4 you 4ever.
I love you.
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