I am in absolute misery

Today is 18 Jan 2012.

The 1st day after we broke up.

I can no longer call her baby although she will always be my baby in my heart.

Tears just keep rolling down and i have no control at all. I still cannot accept this fact. I really cannot get over what had happened over the past few wks. I should be preparing for my interview but i really dunnoe how to concentrate. My mind is juz revolving around Baby. I juz keep holding on 2 my phone hoping it will ring. All those advertisments are juz killing me. Whenever i hear my fone i will jump and hope it is Baby. But it never came.

I feel so useless. I feel so helpless. I am scared of the future. I dunnoe how i can live my life without baby. I am totally clueless. I am depressed. Really depressed. Shld i just end my life?

I really feel like killing myself right now. I am so miserable and i have no 1 2 tok 2. I c no pt in carrying on living without baby. I know i still have my family but without baby i do not have the courage to live on.

I am really happy baby agreed to meet me 4 lunch in a few hrs time. That could possibly be our last meal together. Whenever I tink of it, tears will juz flow down uncontrollably.

The fact that baby treats me like a normal friend now pains me so much. I din expect our last hug was on 31st Dec 2011. The hug that she was reluctant to give me and that final kiss which she obliged. I could feel she totally had no more feelings 4 me that day. That was also the last time baby stepped inside my rm. She will never get to c i have packed my rm and it is so tidy now. I packed in the hope that baby would come back to my rm again but i dun tink it would ever happen again.

I am such a loser. I really hope baby will come back to me if things dun work out between the 2 of u. I will wait patiently 4 u. Baby once said maybe we could be lovers if she gets married. I am willing to be yr lover. I am willing to be anything as long i can still c u.

I cannot bear leaving you. I really cannot. I really love you till the state that i have lost myself completely. No baby= no dearie.

I love you. I will always do. Please cum back 2 me. I beg u baby. I miss u so much.